*DISCLAIMER: This Article Is Purely Satirical in Nature – Read at Your Own Risk.
Here’s the scenario: you’re as broke as a newly released convict, with about the same job prospects. Your bills
are due and your bank account balance looks more like a thermometer reading. What are you to do? I know…Let’s start a cover band!
If you know anything about the music business at all, you know that cover bands are the way to go. Despite the successes of major record label artists, the bar bands who play their own versions of the big stars songs are cleaning up. There are a few reasons for this and we’ll discuss them here, along with a step by step guide guaranteed to kick off your music career with a bang. Here’s what you need to know:
There’s More Money Than You Can Count for Cover Bands
Let’s face it, bars and clubs are absolutely recession proof. They’re rolling in the dough. In fact, many Houston bars have been forced to undergo construction to add rooms to hold all their money until a bank deposit can be
made. Naturally, club owners and managers are generous souls and frequently work the phones day and night trying to find cover bands with whom they can share the wealth. I have personally been stopped while walking through downtown Houston by several bar owners. Apparently, having long hair is a dead giveaway that I am, in fact, a musician. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to call my brother-in-law to bring one of his work vans to help me haul the cash home.
Such Small Investments and Such Huge Profits
With all the money floating around for musicians, one might believe that it would take a series of large investments to start a cover band. Nothing could be further from the truth! Musical Instrument stores are now leading the way into the future with the bold new approach of giving away merchandise. I don’t know how it is anywhere else these days, but here in Houston they’re constantly adding loading docks to the fronts of the stores. This is to accommodate all the vehicles backing up and loading all the free stuff. In a stroke of brilliance, musical instrument stores are leading the way yet again by leaving their doors unlocked after business hours. This allows customers to show up when it’s convenient for them. No more rushing around to get there before 9 p.m.
So, the math is there. Free equipment combined with massive payouts for musicians equals huge profits! It’s a “no brainer” – which might be the problem historically associated with the music business. People were simply overthinking it. The new mantra is now “Give Me Free Stuff and Pay Me Lots of Money”. Truly, these are words we can and should live by.
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It’s So Easy, Anyone Can Do It
At last, the day of the Underachiever has arrived! The joke is now on all the “Egg Head” kids in school who studied endless hours, developed ulcers trying to get into college and stay there, and graduated with $100K worth of Student Loan debt. Yes, if you can play at least a couple of chords on the guitar you can be a star. There can never be too many musicians. This is because the public’s attention span has evolved and deepened
with more focus and less distraction. The days of mindless zombies with faces buried in their phones as they stumble down the sidewalks are over. People are now interested in what’s actually going on around them. Further, they’re keenly interested in what you have to say. Never before have audiences listened so intently to song lyrics or the subtle nuances of instrumentation. All you have to do is pick up an instrument and you, too, will have an immediate following. And best of all, you can relax and use whatever knowledge and skill you currently possess. Practice is now deemed overrated and entirely unnecessary.
There’s So Little Competition
I must admit that I was startled this past Thursday morning at around 3 a.m. There was the loudest whooping and hollering I’ve ever heard going up and down the streets of our neighborhood. It turns out that bar and club owners are now catching rides with newspaper delivery people – who are busier than ever – and actively seeking cover bands to hire. Obviously, they know that musicians keep late hours – which explains the odd pairing with
the “paper boy”. It was quite something to behold as the owner of the club down the street bellowed through a bull horn asking for anyone with a band to please come out of the house. I got a little nervous when they stopped in front of our house because we just don’t have any room in our schedule. Not to worry, it was just the club owner’s assistant dropping off bags of cash on the front porch.
The point is that there is so little competition that you can clean up with a cover band. They’ll be kissing your “hinder parts” to get you into their establishment to favor them with a tune. There are so few cover bands in Houston that the mayor just announced that she is renaming several streets after all the bands which have originated in or may possibly originate from the Houston area. Yes, these are the good old days.